Elliot Stabler

KIDS

2009-11-12T07:25:00.002-05:00

WHERE OH WHERE DID I GO WRONG?????

For The Last Time...It's Stabler not Spitzer

2008-03-18T08:30:00.004-04:00

I'm wearing the hat, he's not. For the last time, it's Stabler, not Spitzer!!!

Yes, It's That Time Of Year Again....

2008-03-07T14:36:00.002-05:00

'Danny Boy' Banned in New York Pub for Entire Month of March
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
NEW YORK —
It's depressing. It's not usually sung in Ireland for St. Patrick's Day. Its lyrics were written by an Englishman who never set foot on Irish soil.

Those are only some of the reasons a Manhattan pub is giving for banning the song "Danny Boy" for the entire month of March.

"It's overplayed, it's been ranked among the 25 most depressing songs of all time, and it's more appropriate for a funeral than for a St. Patrick's Day celebration," says Shaun Clancy, who owns Foley's Pub and Restaurant, just off Fifth Avenue opposite the Empire State Building.

The 38-year-old, who started bartending when he was 12 at his father's pub in County Cavan, promises a guest free Guinness if he or she sings any other traditional Irish song at the pub's March 11 pre-St. Patrick's Day karaoke party. On other nights, guests will be rewarded with a surprise.

Not everyone agrees.
Foley's is going head to head with a pub near Detroit — AJ's Cafe in Ferndale, Mich. — which is staging a "Danny Boy" marathon on St. Patrick's Day weekend, offering 1,000 renditions of the song over 50 hours.

The lyrics for the song published in 1913 were written by an English lawyer, Frederick Edward Weatherly, who never even visited Ireland, according to Malachy McCourt, author of the book "Danny Boy: The Legend of the Beloved Irish Ballad." Weatherly's sister-in-law had sent him the music to an old Irish song called "The Derry Air" and the new version became a huge hit when opera singer Ernestine Schumann-Heink recorded it in 1915.

Some say it's symbolic of the great Irish diaspora, with generations of Irish fleeing the famine and poor economic conditions starting around 1850. Others have guessed it's sung by a mother grieving for her son or even by a desolate lover — depending on how one hears lyrics like "The summer's gone, and all the flowers are dying/ 'Tis you, 'tis you must go and I must bide."

In the 1940s, "Danny Boy" was recorded by Bing Crosby, became the theme song of television's "Danny Thomas Show" from 1953 to 1964 and has been a vehicle for vocal stars from Judy Garland, Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash to Cher and Willie Nelson.

But for the rest of the month, Foley's will be "Danny Boy"-free.
"I'm glad! I'm glad! I'm glad!" exclaimed Martin Gaffney, 73, a retired passenger ship waiter who looked forward to the free beer. "You come in here and have a few pints for lunch. It'll be good."

The great old song is "all right, but I get fed up with hearing it — it's like the elections," he said in a thick Irish brogue.

Instead, Gaffney said Wednesday he looks forward to crooning his own Irish favorites, like "Molly Malone" — whose theme is also hardly a barrel of laughs.

A sort of unofficial anthem of Dublin also known as "Cockles and Mussels," the song tells the tale of a beautiful fishmonger who plies her trade on city streets and dies young of a fever.

How I Spent My Halloween

2007-11-01T07:07:00.000-04:00

The woman I love is raising my child. My wife and the mother of my OTHER 4 children is having another baby after 20 plus years. So who would be the likely candidiate(s) for me to spend Halloween with? Why Caro of course. I didn't wear the Gladiator outfit, but she did wear the Cop outfit, not for long though, she was scaring the kids. No candy, lots of coffee, lots of understanding on her part and the absolute boredom of watching Ghost Hunters try to get a ghost to move a ball at a haunted sanitarium. Hope your Halloween was more eventful. Damn those kids, she looked hot in the cop outfit.

The Wistful Staring....

2007-10-31T07:09:00.000-04:00

has started again!

I Know You'll Look Here..

2007-10-30T10:19:00.000-04:00

I have no problem with Goth

Remembering...

2007-10-29T11:58:00.000-04:00

My first night home. I woke up to find Kathy staring out the window. I felt guilty watching her. No guilty because I thought I was intruding on her space, guilty because I was thinking of Liv. I remembered all the times I would wake up to watch Olivia doing the same thing. I felt guilty again thinking about how beautiful Olivia was as she stood in the moonlight or as she stood in ray of sunlight. Nights with Olivia were filled with passion. I remember nights when we were so close and others filled with an intensity we wondered if we would survive. I love Kathy. I never thought I would ever love anyone else, and sometimes I wish things had been different. But times like this, when I am thinking about Liv, I wouldn’t trade a moment of the time we spent together.

What Does The Future Hold?

2007-10-26T13:42:00.000-04:00

I’ll be moving back home to help Kathy with the baby. I love Liv and Eli, but my being there is creating more stress than is healthy for any of us. It’s hard trying to separate work and home when work and home are the same. I can’t talk to Olivia about Kathy and how I feel about the baby. Hell, I can’t even talk to Kathy about how I feel. My kids really need me now, I know Kathleen has not really “learned her lesson”. I somehow sense the trouble has not ended. Maybe by being there I can help her.

Over the last few years my life has been in an uproar…a roller coaster that never stops. Liv and I were able to find a sense of peace for a while together, but we always knew the peace wouldn’t last forever. It’s not in either of our natures. I offered, knowing in advance what her answer would be, to take Eli. She said I can have him whenever I want, but his home is with her. I understand. She knows I’m there whenever she needs me and I know I can depend on her. Since the decision was made, work has actually been easier, we’ve gotten back to investigating some challenging cases, some rather unusual cases. We have new people in the unit and roles have changed, but we seem to be meshing.

So what the future holds is up for grabs. We’ll just have to wait and see what unfolds.

It's That Time Of Year Again....

2007-10-11T13:05:00.001-04:00

I need you guys to help me decide which costume to wear for Halloween. I narrowed it down to three:

Who Needs An Avatar...anyway?

2007-10-05T12:29:00.001-04:00

Isn't real life enough? Why do some people find it necessary to create a whole other life in virtual reality? I've been researching this, really. Some guy who wrote about his alter-life said he spends 40 hrs a week in his virtual world. He has a completely different life there: a wife he has sex with, children. Granted, unlike me, he probably doesn't have that arrangement in the real world. Maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it. Maybe it's easier to keep the second family in the virtual world. OK, I'll give it a try. What do you think of MY avatar?

No Barek, I'm not showing you what's under the kilt!!!

Coffee Break

2007-08-06T08:09:00.000-04:00

"Hey, Barek."
Carolyn was walking past the coffee shop when I saw her through the window.
"How do you do that?" I asked.
"How do I do what?" she looked bemused.
"Walk past a coffee shop without coming inside."
"It's easy," she said with a somewhat playful tilt of her head, "I knew you were in there. "
I took her by the arm and led her inside.
"Elliot, you think I'm just walking the streets? I have an appointment. I don't have time to sit and chat."
"Come on Caro, I haven't seen you in a while, you go off to Niagra Falls without me. I miss you."
"Like you were going to come with me," she said sarcastically.
"Who did you go with?" I asked.
"None of your...myself, I went by myself."
I looked at her knowingly.
"I don't want to talk about it ok?"
"Fine with me. Otherwise how have you been?"
She looked at me and I noticed a softening of her tone.
"I'm sorry Elliot, look I know things have been rough for you. How you holding up?"
"OK, I don't like being in the limelight so much. This last trial has put all of us through the ringer."
She smiled, "Yeah, you're getting your 15 minutes of fame the hard way. I wonder how I will get mine."
"Hey, don't worry Caro, my family hates me, Cragan has just about had it, Olivia hasn't said anything, but I'm sure she's less than thrilled with the impending arrival of ANOTHER Stabler baby . Maybe you'll be the one to find my dead body after one of them whacks me."
It was good to see her actually laugh.
"On that note Elliot, I need to go. I'll call you."
I took her by the arm as we walked out.
"Really?"
She looked at me, "Really what?"
"Really, you will call?"
She looked at me as if to say something, squeezed my arm and walked away.

Taking A Long Walk....

2007-07-23T13:27:00.000-04:00

Off A Short Pier!!

*mariskahargitay.org

Yes It's Eli's...

2007-07-17T14:00:00.000-04:00

Eli will be a year old this month. Looking back over this year, it’s hard to believe so much time has passed. Looking at him, though, it’s very obvious. He’s grown so fast, he walks, is starting to talk, likes to knock things down and his favorite pastime is putting toy blocks in an aluminum pot, being sure each time that it makes the maximum amount of noise possible. He still has that habit of looking at me like he knows what I am thinking, and he is very aware of both mine and Liv’s moods. I know everyone thinks this of their child, but he is very special. He's also independent and stubborn and for the life of me I can't figure out where those traits came from. So a big Happy Birthday to Eli and don’t worry we’re planning to party!!

I Swear By The Moon

2007-07-15T09:28:00.000-04:00

Gold and amber
Shining through
Swear by the moon
I'll wait for you

Silent treasures
Tender blushes
Soft surrender
To discover

Feel the wings
We whisper and sigh
As the angels glide
On the touch of our skin

Veils of mist
Covered kisses
Swear by the moon
I want you

Pearls of steam
And the dance begins
Free the heat
Make us stronger still

No more promises
We are here tonight
Come together in sweet firelight

Here until dawn
Sets us both apart
A love that's true
Swear by the moon
I live for you, for you

For you, for you, forever for you

Precious hours
Fires dying down
While the night gives way to clear morning light

Perfumes gracing
The senses of our souls
A love that's true
Swear by the moon
I'll be there for you, for you, forever for you

For you, for you, forever for you

*Enigma

OK, Not Completely Naked...

2007-07-13T14:57:00.000-04:00

If Another Person...

2007-07-10T12:44:00.000-04:00

asks, "Hot enough for ya?", I'm going to post naked pictures of myself. At least it might make me feel cooler.

Even Amidst All The Problems

2007-07-06T15:14:00.000-04:00

I can still take notice of Liv's gorgeous...

Feet!

The Apron....

2007-06-15T14:56:00.001-04:00

You asked for it!!! If you didn't ask for it, see Caro's blog.

Not Naming Names Here...

2007-06-14T07:31:00.000-04:00

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.
LOUD CLICK

A Small Distraction...

2007-06-12T14:07:00.000-04:00

All we wanted was a small distraction from felonious relatives (mine included), questioning our career choices, the boredom of "administrative leave", touchy/feely FBI agents (especially), kids and the possibility? of more kids....

Maureen, even with all the guilt she is feeling about Kathleen, which I can't seem to convince her I have cornered the market on, "volunteered" to stay with Eli while Liv and I just got away. We are both very close to "crash and burn". It is just all too much at one time. We need time to think, time to talk, time to sort out and be honest with each other about all that has happened and about our future. At least that's what I thought we were getting away to....

Liv planned it all. A small B&B on Long Island, walks on the shore, putting the a/c down so low that lighting the fireplace seemed like a good idea, fur rugs beneath us, spending the night in each others arms, so close...the feeling that nothing can break us..if only it could always be like this.

We're back now and everything we tried to escape from is still here.

Things Have Been A Bit Crazy Lately....

2007-05-29T13:42:00.001-04:00

Screencap by colleendetroit

Happy Mother's Day

2007-05-13T07:25:00.001-04:00

With all our love, Elliot and Eli

The Nightmare On This Side of the Bed

2007-05-10T07:23:00.000-04:00

"Then you meet another woman who makes you feel so alive. She doesn't nag you. It's just easy."

When I said those words to a man who had deceived and killed, murdered his family in cold blood, I knew that I was too close. I knew that I understood too well how easily whatever holds sanity in check can snap. Liv isn't sleeping well, other words are replaying in her mind. I know how much it hurt her to hear the truth, but I can't lie to her. She thinks she is the only one who is afraid, the only one who is vulnerable, but she's not. I know now that I can look inside a distrubed man's mind and see myself clearly...it's a nightmare that will never leave me.

"You can shut out the world all you want, Elliot...

2007-05-02T15:29:00.000-04:00

...but you can't stop what's going on inside my mind."
"With the help of some of your favorite things, I can try Liv, I can try."

A Question of Trust

2007-05-02T06:53:00.000-04:00

Life changing. That's really all that can be said for the past few days. Everyone knows Liv is a good person, a good cop. I know her better than anyone and during this time I did my best to believe in her. Can I truthfully say it doesn't hurt that she chose her brother over everything else? That she readily risked everything, everything we have together. Can I truthfully say I don't hate that she kept me in the dark about what was really happening? I did the only thing I could do, and that was trust her. Her life will never be the same, her brother's life will never be the same. No one, no one who was involved in this will come out of it anything but profoundly changed. Liv's self-image, everything she has believed over the years, she now can only question. How did I know she would be able to talk Simon out of hurting Millfield? How did I know she would be able to talk him out of hurting her? Love. Her love for her brother was the only thing that was going to reach him, no FBI threat, no hostage negotiator, no one else could have brought this to a conclusion, only her. Will the questions about her father ever be answered to her satisfaction, who knows? Will her family heal? So many questions, and the one question that will haunt me is why? Why didn't she trust me as much as I trusted her?

Very Cool Pic I Found In My Email This Morning...

2007-04-26T09:13:00.000-04:00

My thanks to the sender.

Practice Makes....Pretty Close To Perfect

2007-04-25T12:44:00.000-04:00

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL. BY CONTINUING TO READ THIS PAGE, I DECLARE THAT I AM 18 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER, I AM NOT A MEMBER OF ANY GROUP THAT PROMOTES CENSORSHIP, NOR AM I OFFENDED BY EROTIC LITERATURE. I AGREE THAT I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY MINOR, AS SO DEFINED IN MY JURISDICTION, TO VIEW THE CONTENTS OF THIS PAGE. THE AUTHOR WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY VIOLATIONS OF THIS DISCLAIMER BARRIER.

The feel of her soft silky hair trailing down my body as she moved on top of me was agonizing.
“God, Liv, slow down.”
Straddling my thighs, she sat back and smiled at me.
“What’s wrong Elliot, you getting old on me. Can’t take it?”
I grabbed her face between my hands and brought her down against me.
“No, I just want this to last. “
She sat up again looking at me intently.
“You have the most amazing eyes, Elliot.”
“What?”
OK, I didn’t want it to slow down quite this much.
“You do. Did you know they change color? I can tell by the color of your eyes how much you want me.”
I pulled her down on top of me again.
“Then they must always be the same color, because I always want you.”
An appreciative moan escaped her lips as she started moving again. She kissed the side of my neck breathing my name softly against my skin. When she sat up this time, I encouraged her. She looked so amazing. Her hair streaming around her face,her skin flushed with heat. I looked at her, the way she held herself was so inviting. I ran my hands down her sides, enjoying the feel of the soft curve of her breasts, I lingered there wanting to touch more but wanting to draw this out for her enjoyment and mine. As I continued caressing her, her soft curves gave way to the sleek, hardened muscle of her hips and legs. The way she was sitting on me though was limiting my movements.
“Hang on baby,” I said , gently turning on my side and laying her back on the bed. She turned on her side, her back to me, as I reached my arm around her running my hand between the soft silkiness of her thighs. Her soft moans all the encouragement I needed.
“Elliot.”
I could hear the need in her voice. The intimacy we share goes beyond the physical, we become so close. We moved together, both slowly losing all sense of anything else. She arched her back and closed her eyes, I did the same as we both shuddered in release.

I held her, giving her time to get her breathing back under control.
“Who’s getting old, Liv? I’m noticing it’s taking more and more time for you to recover here.”
“No, we’re just getting better at this baby”
As I held her, I thought about that. I thought back to the first time we were together. How afraid I was that our relationship would suffer. We were both wary, so careful with each other. All the emotions we carried with us, it took a while for the comfort level to be reached. As we leanred to let go, to trust, we also learned how to make one another respond, how to bring each other to the most intense peaks of pleasure. I laid her back on the bed and kissed her slightly parted lips, running my hands down her body again.
“There’s always more to learn, Benson, always room for improvement. “

When Friends Disappear

2007-04-24T07:15:00.000-04:00

...and come back acting like the Feds.

Caro had gone out of town for a while. She usually lets me know, not that she has to, but she usually does. Things have been so crazy for me and Liv lately, I know she probably didn't want to bother us. I dropped by to see her and she looked relaxed and happy. It is baseball season...so that's probably one explanation.
"How's work?" she asked me, knowing Liv and I have been under a lot of pressure.
"Things are better, it's been slow, we're doing lots of paperwork. You remember that don't you?"
"Yeah."
"You ever miss it, Caro?"
"No, I like what I'm doing. I miss Logan and seeing everyone everyday, but right now this is better for me."
The coffee timer went off and we got up to fill our cups.
"What exactly are you doing?"
"Can't tell you Elliot."
"Must be some high-powered consulting going on."
"Elliot, it's an on-going investigation, I can't talk about it."
"Is it dangerous?"
She let out an exasperated sigh as we walked back to the couch.
"OK, OK, I'll shut up," I said.
"You don't have to shut up and I appreciate that you worry about me, but I can take care of myself."
"So you went out of town without telling anyone because of the case?"
This seems to be happening with people in my life lately.
"Don't take it personally Elliot, there were jurisdictional issues."
"God, Caro, you really do sound like a Fed. You digging around in caves too?"
"I'm not working for the FBI and it's the CIA that digs in caves," she said absentmindedly stroking the throw hanging on the back of the couch.
"Nice afghan Caro, that new?"
After she spit out her coffee, I figured it was time to let up.
"Can I put on the TV, it's almost time for Final Jeopardy?" I asked.
She pointed to the remote, still wiping coffee from her nose and chin. We looked at each other as Trebek announced that the Final Jeopardy category would be Law Enforcement.
"I'll get this one," I said, maybe a bit more smug than I should have.
"You might be surprised Elliot."
I shrugged as the answer was revealed.
"What government agency was orginally referred to as the Special Agent Force."
She looked at me laughing again, "The FBI. My, my what were the odds Elliot, what were the odds of that happening?"
For the life of me I couldn't think of a reply.

Vulnerability

2007-04-23T11:53:00.000-04:00

Kathy’s mad because Kathleen and I are getting along?? I asked for the kid’s help because, damn, there are some things she knows more about than I do. I can’t win. I’m getting her involved in things she shouldn’t be involved in? Things like life???? Olivia went to bed while I argued on the phone. Don’t blame her, I didn’t want to hear it either. I almost went to bed myself in the middle of Kathy’s tirade.
“You ok?” I could feel Liv’s hand on my arm.
I turned over to look at her.
“Am I trying too hard, Liv? I was just so happy to get some kind of response from Kathleen.”
“Kathy’s probably just concerned. Don’t let it get to you.”
Liv didn’t need to be involved with this right now, she has enough going on. I put my arm around her, pulling her closer to me.
“Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“Just a little restless and I was worried about you.” She reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear. I watched her intently.
“What?” she asked.
I moved my hand to touch those soft, silky strands.
“I like to watch you do that. It makes you look…vulnerable.”
I hesitated, not knowing how she would react and I wasn’t in the mood for another confrontation. Much to my relief, she just laughed.
“Don’t look so relieved, Elliot.”
I put my arm around her pulling her to me again.
“Wasn’t sure how you would feel about my admitting that, Liv.”
She moved her hand from my arm and put it around me. We held each other close.
“You’re probably the only one I don't mind seeing me look vulnerable,“ she whispered.
I just looked at her. The trust I saw in her eyes, the confidence she has in me. Sometimes I worry that I’ll disappoint her. But at that moment it didn't matter, we just held one another, finally falling asleep in each others arms.

REALLY!!

2007-04-20T15:59:00.000-04:00

Where the h#%& in NY….

2007-04-19T09:13:00.001-04:00

can you find peace and quiet? Liv and I are both feeling better. The wind and rain have let up a bit. Tax time is past. We just wanted to be someplace where we could find some relief from the noise and stress. We packed up Eli, took some the afternoon off, and headed out to The Cloisters. Not as well known as its partner, The Metropolitan Museum of Art, The Cloisters is where they house their Medieval art exhibitions. A architecturally impressive gothic building in Fort Tyron Park overlooking the Hudson, it is never usually as crowded as its counterpart. It’s beautiful gardens and serene atmosphere make it seem like a place apart.

Eli, with his uncanny sense about things, immediately knew this was a place of quiet beauty. His big dark eyes taking in the unfamiliar surroundings with however much awe an 8 month old can muster. His favorite pastime at home now is dropping things and watching ME pick them up. If it wasn’t for his “Olivia look-alike” impish grin, that little game would have ended quickly. He knew this wasn’t a place where he would be doing much grabbing and dropping, only looking.

Walking through the building, (it was a little too cold for the gardens), I felt a sense of peace and calm. Holding Liv’s hand, I could feel the tension leaving her body as well. We stopped in my favorite room, candles in front of a vaulted window, the light casting shadows on the floor. We just stood there a while, letting the emotions of the past week sink in before surrendering to the spiritual peace this corner holds. I felt Eli touch my hand, his eyes questioning how long we might be idle. A simultaneous sigh from me and Liv and we were headed home, a little stronger, a little more ready to handle the real world.

A REAL Hero

2007-04-18T06:59:00.000-04:00

If anyone out there is interested in a REAL hero, here is someone who deserves your admiration.

Holocaust survivor killed in Virginia shootings saved students by blocking door
By Associated Press
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 - Updated: 03:00 PM EST

JERUSALEM - The e-mails from grateful students arrived soon after Liviu Librescu was shot to death, telling how the Holocaust survivor barricaded the doorway of his Virginia Tech classroom and saved their lives at the cost of his own.
Librescu, an Israeli engineering and math lecturer who survived the Nazi killings and later escaped from Communist Romania, was one of several foreign victims of Monday’s shootings, which coincided with Israel’s Holocaust remembrance day.
"My father blocked the doorway with his body and asked the students to flee," Librescu’s son, Joe Librescu, said Tuesday in a telephone interview from his home outside Tel Aviv. "Students started opening windows and jumping out."

Reality Intercedes...Again

2007-04-16T14:09:00.000-04:00

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius — and a lot of courage—to move in the opposite direction.
-E. F. Schumacher

We lost some of our brightest hope for the future today, each of them possessed that "touch of genius" we so desperately need in the world.

Speechless

2007-04-12T07:32:00.000-04:00

Eli and I were bonding over SpongeBob while Liv took a relaxing shower. Her showers are relaxing for all of us. Whatever mixture of herbs she uses fills the apartment with a scent that always calms my nerves. I looked up as she walked in wearing a short white robe, tucking stray ends of her hair behind her ear. It's a gesture that has become so familiar to me and one that causes me to catch my breath as it brings up memories of more intimate times. As I watch her move with such grace, I realize it isn't any one thing about her that makes her so beautiful, not the long, toned legs that are so visible as she bends down to pick up Eli, not the soft curves, not the creamy perfection of her skin as the sleeves of her robe fall back to reveal her arms lifting Eli above her, not the soft fullness of her lips as she plants kisses on his face. She looks over at me watching her. It's so evident then, when her eyes meet mine, those beautiful dark eyes. In their depths I can see where the inner and outer beauty merge, and I realize there just are no words.

My Visual DNA

2007-04-09T09:38:00.000-04:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

HAPPY EASTER

2007-04-08T07:56:00.001-04:00

Five Things That Really Annoy Me...

2007-04-06T10:50:00.000-04:00

There are more, but these are uppermost in my mind this morning:

5. People who send me pictures of myself sleeping. It's disturbing. Where do they get them? How does someone get in my bedroom with a camera.

4. Empty ice trays.

3. A full pot of coffee on top of a warming burner that was never turned on.

2. Cold coffee.

1. The way Trevor Langan looks at Liv. It's almost like he knows something I could never begin to understand.

The Decisions That Come Back To Haunt Us

2007-04-04T06:43:00.000-04:00

And they will. The body of a dead teenaged girl Warner had just autopsied and all I could see was Kathleen. I had given her a "get out of jail free" card when she was picked up for driving drunk. All I could see was her there on that table as a result of my bad decision. The question that went through my mind was: am I any better than the parent who provided these kids with alcohol? My motivation may have been different, but the result could have been the same. I thought about Kathleen throughout the whole investigation. I even asked for her help. If nothing else came out of this tragedy that changed so many lives, at least we're talking. She didn't make a scene when I asked for her wallet, she probably thought I was looking for a fake ID. I knew she didn't have one, I was simply doing what should have been done at that station house months ago, taking away her license. Through the cynicism and the rebellious attitude she knows I love her and I know she's a good kid. I know she would probably never drink and drive again, but that image just keeps coming back to haunt me.

I AM...

2007-04-03T07:02:00.001-04:00

WHATEVER YOU NEED ME TO BE...

How Does It Feel...

2007-04-01T08:46:00.000-04:00

...to know you're everything I need
The butterflies in my stomach
They could bring me to my knees
How does it feel to know you're everything I want
How does it feel when we get locked into a stare?
Please don't come looking for me
When I get lost in the mess of your hair
How do you feel when everything you've known
Gets thrown aside
Never fear, my dear, 'cause we have nothing left to hide
Hold on to me girl
If you feel your grip getting loose
Just know that I'm right next to you
Just know that I won't let you down
If I had to choose a way to die
It'd be with you
In a goosebump infested embrace
With my overanxious hands cupping your face
I adore the way you carry yourself
With the grace of a thousand angels overhead
I love the way the galaxy starts to melt
When we become one
How does it feel?

*Lyrics by: Spill Canvas

Girls Night Out

2007-03-30T12:26:00.001-04:00

Olivia actually asked me if I would mind her doing a shopping “girls night out”. I knew at that moment that she really, really needed a break. She needed a break from comforting everyone else, from work, from kids, and as hard as it might be to believe…from me. I’m not complaining, I’m glad that she realized it and that she wanted to take time for herself. It would just be me and Eli tonight.
I looked up from crawling on the floor with Eli when she came in to say goodbye.
“God, Liv, if I were any of these girls in your “girls night out” I’d be feeling a little inadequate,” I said standing up and going over to her.
“What are you talking about?”
“You look incredible.”
She was wearing a tight black skirt, a sweater the same color as her eyes and thigh-high boots.
“Thanks,” she said, kissing me lightly. I put my hands on her waist and pulled her close to me.
“You’re leaving me to go shopping, Liv, you need to do better than that.”
She reached up and put her arms around my neck and we kissed deeply.
“That’s much better, but there’s still room for improvement.”
She put her head on my shoulder.
“You sure you’re ok with this El?”
“Liv we’re together all the time, this will be good for both of us. It’s only a few hours, I don’t think we’ll forget each other.”
She looked at me and smiled.
“If we do,” she said. “We’ll just get re-aquainted later.”
That was something to look forward to.
“I’ll buy you something.”
“What?’ I asked a little surprised, we haven’t really done much shopping for each other.
“Something for me that’s for you too.”
Something else to look forward to.
I hugged her again.
“Have fun, baby, and be careful.”
“You guys have fun too,” she said picking Eli up and kissing him goodbye.
I know it’s silly and selfish, but as soon as I closed the door behind her, I missed her.

Brothers, Sisters, Sons and Daughters

2007-03-28T13:19:00.000-04:00

Getting out from behind our desks and back working together has been the change Liv and I have both needed. The stress of our jobs at least is easing. Our personal life…well that’s a different story. Liv and Simon talk regularly. She hasn’t really confided in me about what is going on with them. It hit home for me though because of a remark she made when we were investigating this last case. She said that brothers will often tell their sisters things they would never tell anyone else. It was an insight that went a long way toward solving the case, but not toward relieving my uneasiness toward Simon. It made me wonder what he may have told her. I don’t think she would hide any information about him that would affect his future interaction with Eli and my kids. A coincidence, maybe, that this newfound knowledge of brother/sister dynamics is so evident to her now. I have promised myself that I am not going to push on this subject. I have to trust that she will eventually open up to me. In the meantime, it’s a rebellious daughter and a computer hacking son that are the family issues I need to deal with.

He left the computer on....

2007-03-26T12:35:00.000-04:00

Dickie here. Dad left his computer on so I figured I would let him know that Lizzie and I discovered the utility room downstairs where they go when they disappear from the apartment on the weekend. Downloaded the picture we took of them during their time out. NO-I didn't read anything else on the blog...I want to keep my lunch down.

2007-03-25T09:26:00.000-04:00

With an ironclad fist I wake up and
French kiss the morning
While some marching back keeps it own beat in my head
While we're talking
About all of the things that I long to believe
About love and truth and what you mean to me
And the truth is baby you're all I need
I want to lay you on a bed of roses
For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails
I want to be just as close as the Holy Ghost is
And lay you down on a bed of roses.

*Lyrics-Bon Jovi
Graphics-FLP

Paying Attention

2007-03-23T13:09:00.000-04:00

Things at work are starting to get back to “normal” . Our desk duty time has lessened and we are out on the street where we can be effective. Don’t know that Capt. Cragen has decided exactly what he is going to do with us, but it’s a start. Less stress at work also equals less stress at home. In fact last night I realized it was the first time in a while that after Liv put Eli to bed, I didn’t sit on the couch watching her stare out the window.
“Kathleen called me today,” she said sitting next to me.
“Really?” I asked, I had called her at least three times since the weekend and she hadn’t returned my call.
“She wanted to apologize if she did anything to make me uncomfortable during Simon’s visit,” she said laying back and propping her legs up in my lap.
“The discomfort she caused me, did she address that?”
“No Elliot, she didn’t. I was at a bit of a disadvantage anyway, not knowing what she was talking about.”
“So did she explain to you how out of character her behavior was?”
“No, and I didn’t ask. I only found out that you had sent her home when Maureen called later to check on whether Kathleen had made the call.”
“So she wasn’t acting on her own, no surprise there.”
“Elliot, Maureen said she told her to call you too, obviously she didn’t. “
“Liv, I don’t know what to do, I’m really worried about her.”
She sat up moving so that she was next to me and put her arm around my shoulder.
“I talked to Maureen. There really isn’t anything to worry about as far as I can tell, Kathleen’s just trying everything to get your attention.”
“She’s always had my attention.”
“She feels cut off.”
“She tell you that?”
“She didn’t have to, I remember what it was like at that age. The changes in her life lately are affecting her more profoundly than the other kids.”
“What do I do, Liv?” I asked.
She hugged me tighter seeing how exasperated I was.
“She needs to be made to feel important. The twins get all the attention because they are the youngest, she knows how you lean on Maureen. Give her a reason to feel like you need her.“
“Liv, why do you do this?” I asked pulling her close to me.
“Do what?”
“Care so much.”
“I’ve been a little self absorbed lately, Elliot, I know that. I have spent a lot of time trying to reconcile myself to finding a family. I’ve ignored you, my job. I care about your kids, I always have. I just want you to know that they are more important to me than anything. No one will ever take their place in my life.”
I took her beautiful face in my hands and kissed her gently.
“I love you, Liv.”
“I love you too. Your support has been the only thing that has gotten me through the last few weeks.”
“So are you done ignoring me?”, I asked teasing her.
She smiled playfully, a look I hadn’t seen in awhile. She took my hand, stood up and said, “Yep, I plan on paying attention to you all night.”

NO...I don't do quizzes...

2007-03-22T15:44:00.000-04:00

The Candy Heart You Should Give Is:

To: Liv
From: Elliot

What Candy Heart Should You Give?

No Mystery To Me... (Sexist Warning)

2007-03-21T09:02:00.000-04:00

In the Mysteries of the Sexes Explained column in the current Men's Health magazine, David Zinczenko gave his 4 attributes in a woman that would make a man fall in love.

A woman with a passion in something other than him.
A woman with no problem with "guy time".
A woman with a strut.
A woman with good taste in ties.

I have to agree with him, especially the strut, nothing like a confident strut to get someone's attention. These are obviously superficial (except for the strut thing). The reasons I fell in love with Liv are complicated. They involve an emotional attachment and trust in each other that developed over the years. Would not say it's a mystery though, why any man would fall in love with someone who looks like this:

Speculation

2007-03-20T07:13:00.000-04:00

My kids really know how to play me, especially Kathleen. I watched, amazed at the dynamics Simon's visit was taking on. Kathleen, normally not wanting to have anything to do with a family gathering, was more than amicable to Simon. She laughed at his joking manner when normally she would shake her head and walk away. Her face showed complete empathy as she asked him about his life, his family, how it feels to find out he has a sister. Empathic? Not Kathleen. I knew what she was doing. She was doing everything she could to make me more nervous about this. I didn't give in to her, I know she wanted me to react. I'm not sure why she would try to make things harder for Liv, but thankfully I don't think Liv even realized what was going on, she's having a difficult enough time dealing with everything. Going to a restaurant was a great idea. I was able to separate Kathleen from Simon. We were all more relaxed and had a good time. I took Maureen aside and asked her to take Kathleen home. She told me she knew what her sister was doing and that she was going to talk to her. I can always depend on Maureen. Back at home I watched at the way Simon and Eli took to each other. Seeing them together, watching the changing expressions on Liv's face as she vacillated between happiness and concern, a mirror of my own feelings. I took Eli with me when I brought the twins home, giving Liv and Simon some time alone together. He had left by the time I got back. One look at Liv and I knew we were asking ourselves the same questions. How far do we extend our trust? How close do we let him get? There was one more question though that I was asking as I watched the woman I love gazing out the window, seemingly lost in her own world. Is this going to change what we have together?

I Have The Right To Remain Nervous

2007-03-16T06:32:00.000-04:00

Not knowing what to expect. That’s how it has been for the last few weeks. We are never quite sure of anything. We hold on to the peaceful, quiet times we share before the next calamity hits. Now, this weekend looks like it will be much of the same. Liv’s brother, Simon will be visiting and so will my kids. Truthfully? I’m nervous about this. Yeah, regardless of what he may or may not have done, he is Eli’s uncle. If he becomes part of the family he will be a part of my kids’ lives. Have Liv and I really talked about this? No. I haven’t wanted to pressure her. She is finally comfortable letting me in, letting me be some comfort to her, but no we haven’t really talked about the dynamics of letting Simon into our family. Such a large part of the love Liv and I share is the deep bond of trust that has become stronger through all we have faced together. Building that trust hasn’t been easy for either of us. I trust her as much as I love her. She has always wanted a family, but I know she would never let someone into our lives who may have committed the kind of violence against another human being that she has been fighting all her life. I know she weighs this in her mind constantly. What makes me nervous is the look in her eyes sometimes…the times when her heart takes over.

Desk Crazy

2007-03-15T06:42:00.000-04:00

For the last few weeks it seems Liv and I have been relegated to desk duty. This is really boring for me, I don’t like sitting still, I don’t particularly like paperwork. I tap my foot, I walk around, but it doesn't do anything to get rid of this energy that I usually expend out on the street. Even worse, I'm bored and my mind wanders. I look across at Liv and the boredom turns into something else. After our little cuddle fest on the couch, Liv had been ready for some less sedate action. Looking at her now, concentrating on her paperwork, it’s hard to believe she is the same person who brought me to such heights of pleasure. We are so in tune to each other, even now, I know she knows I am watching her, she knows what I’m thinking. Locking her eyes on mine, she stands to stretch. I am always taken by the lean suppleness of her body, the feline-like grace that compliments her strength. I watch as she removes her shirt, revealing the tight tank top underneath showing off her soft curves and well-defined muscles. Her body is a study in contrasts and it is perfect. I want nothing more than to touch her. As she walks past me, she brushes my arm with her hand. It’s like an electrical charge from head to toe. This is not the place or time to be fantasizing. Not now with both of us under Capt. Cragen’s scrutiny, so I try very hard to concentrate on the sheet of paper in front of me. I almost succeed until I feel her behind me, leaning over me, asking me if I am nearly done. Her breath against my ear, her body pressing against my back, undoing any control I might have. As she walks back to her desk, she flashes me a brilliant smile knowing full well the effect she has on me. We both look up as Fin and Munch walk in. Fin looks from my somewhat guilty face to the blush rising on Liv’s cheeks and shakes his head, laughing as he walks to his desk.

Geek Love

2007-03-14T07:37:00.000-04:00

I had just beaten Liv at Jeopardy…again. I lucked out with The Civil War as the Final Jeopardy category. We were both sick of re-runs so we turned the TV off to catch up on some reading. My mystery was getting good, they had just discovered a body in the Botanical Gardens. Liv was reading something about the healing power of legumes It was a nice, quiet relaxing evening and both of us needed it. I put the book down to stretch and felt Liv slip her hand in mine.
“We’re turning into a couple of geeks, “ she said as I entwined my fingers in hers.
“You maybe,” I said looking at the book in her hand. “I don’t even know what a legume is, Liv “
She laughed, “You don’t know what a legume is but you know how many casualties there were at Appomattox?”
“That’s history, not health food.”
“It’s still geeky.”
“OK, I’m a geek, you gonna trade me in?” I asked pulling her onto my lap.
“Nope,” she said wrapping her arms around me.
“This is nice, “ I said hugging her back.
“It feels safe and comfortable, everything I need right now,” she said laying her head on my shoulder.
“Good baby, that’s how I want you to feel.”
We sat holding each other, not needing to say anything more. We both know how unsettled our lives are right now and are likely to remain until things get sorted out. I’m just happy that she is letting me be there for her.
“El?”
“Yeah.”
“Why were the casualties so high at Appomattox?”
“There were so many battles, over a week of fighting.”
“I never knew that,” she said snuggling closer.
“Liv?”
“Yeah.”
“Just what is a legume?’

Sorry, I Couldn't Help Myself

2007-03-12T15:31:00.000-04:00

Inside The Absence of Fear

2007-03-11T09:32:00.000-04:00

There is the splendor of this
Secret inside of me
And it knows that you’re no stranger
You’re my gravity
My hands will adore you through all darkness
And they will lay you out in moonlight
And reinvent your name
*Lyrics by Jewel Kilcher

Psychic Links, Mendel, and The Bad Seed

2007-03-09T06:53:00.000-05:00

I awoke with a start. Liv did too.
“El?” she reached for my hand.
“What woke us up Liv?"
“Eli?”
We both ran to his room. He was in his crib smiling. It was obvious he had just awakened too.
“Weird, “ I said looking at Liv.
She looked slightly amused, “What’s going on, some kind of psychic connection between the three of us?”
“Don’t know Liv, maybe we all heard a noise outside.”
“The windows are closed, you can’t hear anything in here.”
We stood next to his crib watching him.
“Don’t you wish you could see 20 years into the future?” she asked.
“No, not really.”
“Aren’t you curious Elliot? What kind of person do you think Eli will become?”
“Don’t know, “ I answered, but I knew where this was going.
She turned to look at me and earnestly asked, “Do you believe in the “Bad Seed” theory?’
“Stop it, Liv.”
“Think about it Elliot, can people be born evil because of the genes they inherit?”
“Look Liv, if all of the traits in our family tree could be inherited, my kids could have ended up mean and out of control. Not too mention borderline insane. They’re not are they?”
“You’re not mean Elliot.”
“Oh, but you’re agreeing I’m out of control and borderline insane?”
She smiled, “Maybe Kathy’s genes overrode yours.”
“Yeah, paragon of sanity that she is.”
“Don’t Elliot, she’s the mother of your children.”
This was weird, Liv didn’t usually rush to Kathy’s defense. It was also weird that she had suddenly donned a lab coat and was hovering over a bubbling test tube that had appeared out of nowhere.
“Liv, what are you doing?”
She didn’t answer, but Eli did.
“She’s testing the genetic theory of whether nuclear sequestration of sarcoglycan can disrupt the localization of lamin a/c and emerin in cardiomycytes. ”
"Eli?"
"Guess I got my looks and my smart genes from her, right Dad?"
I awoke with a start. Liv did too.
"El?" she reached for my hand.
"What woke us up Liv?"
"You Elliot. You were screaming for Dr. Mendel. Are you insane?" she asked with equal parts amusement and annoyance.
I was just annoyed. "Well...you're smart and beautiful."
"Elliot you're not making any sense. Go to sleep before I smother you with a pillow."
"Bad seed," I whispered, turning over, knowing I'd be awake the rest of the night.

Where's Caro?

2007-03-08T11:26:00.000-05:00

Comfort

2007-03-04T08:14:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT CONTENT. BY CONTINUING TO READ THIS PAGE, I DECLARE THAT I AM 18 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER, I AM NOT A MEMBER OF ANY GROUP THAT PROMOTES CENSORSHIP, NOR AM I OFFENDED BY EROTIC LITERATURE. I AGREE THAT I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY MINOR, AS SO DEFINED IN MY JURISDICTION, TO VIEW THE CONTENTS OF THIS PAGE. THE AUTHOR WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY VIOLATIONS OF THIS DISCLAIMER BARRIER.

We’ve both been pre-occupied. We’re spending a lot more time at home than we are used to, while Capt. Cragen decides what to do with us. Ater we had finished our paperwork, he just let us leave, not wanting, I guess, to deal with the inevitable or maybe he just hasn’t made up his mind about us yet, or maybe he's tired of the ribbing we get from Munch and Fin. Even though Liv and I are together a lot, we haven't really been together. At times I notice Liv just staring out the window, she seems to be zoning out more than is good for her. I notice that I am doing the same thing. Often these days, when we are playing with Eli, we will both just look at each other…both asking the same questions in our minds, wondering just what the future hold for all of us.

I convinced Liv to leave Eli at daycare Friday, so that we could spend the rest of the day together. She agreed more readily than I thought she would and I took that as a hopeful sign.
“You hungry?”
She shook her head, “Not really, are you?”
“No, just thought I would ask in case you wanted to pick something up.”
She touched my hand. “I would really like to just go home if that’s ok.”
I looked over at her and smiled. “Fine with me, Liv.”
"Can you believe the shit Munch and Fin were dealing out?"
"They care, Elliot, it's their way of lightening things up, making us feel better."
"It doesn't make me feel better to see you embarassed."
"If they embarass me, it's my fault, not theirs."
I looked over at her. "Why did that joined at the hip remark embarass you anyway? You were red as a beet."
She didn't say anything.
"Liv?"
"I don't know, I guess hip...joined...close, it all made me think of the way it feels when you touch me there."
We drove the rest of the way in silence. This was a comfortable silence though. She didn’t look anxious or distracted, she actually looked more calm than I had seen her in a while.
At home she shook her head as she unlocked the door.
“What?” I asked.
“Seems weird to be coming home without Eli.”
“Yeah, and even weirder to be coming home in daylight. ”
She laughed and opened the door. The apartment was warm and somehow calming. When I closed it behind us I really felt we could isolate ourselves for just a little while. She walked to the bedroom, taking her hair out of the ponytail she had tied it back in.
“I’m going to take a shower, Elliot, and you need to stay out of the bathroom.”
“You sure you don’t need help?”
“You want Fin to start up again?”
She had a point there. While she was in the shower, I checked the phone messages. Maureen had called a couple of times, concerned about Liv. I called her back and it was good to talk to her. She sounded better, she’s been through a lot and I haven’t been there for her as much as I would have liked. I told her to meet us for lunch tomorrow and she said she would. It would be good for Liv to see her, help take her mind off things.

When I walked back into the bedroom, the air was filled with the smell of herbs and lavender. Liv was standing at the window running her fingers through her hair, a towel wrapped loosely around her. I came up behind her and she turned to look at me. Moving her away from the window, I unwrapped the towel from her body, took her in my arms and held her.
“You ok, baby? You need anything?”
“I need you to love me.”
She said it so softly I could barely hear her. I led her to the bed and lay her down. As I stood up to remove my clothes, her eyes never left mine. I wasn’t just our bodies that were bare, we were opening up our souls to each other. This was so much more than just physical intimacy.

I sat next to her on the bed and looked at her.
“Do you think we should close the blinds?”
I bent down and kissed her lips.
“You look beautiful with the sun shining on you”
“So do you,” she said pulling my lips back to hers.
She moved enough for me to get in bed next to her. She opened her lips to me and we kissed deeply, exploring each others mouth. She sighed as I ran my hand down her side, reaching her hip and pulling her closer to me.
"My favorite hip," I whispered in her ear.
"Better be the only hip you're touching these days, Stabler."
She made an abrupt, unexpected movement that put her on top of me. She pinned my arms by my sides while she straddled my body. She held my arms down tightly as she ran her lips down my body. She was at time excruciatingly slow or breathtakingly quick. The position she was in pinned my legs as well as my arms and I couldn’t move. If I tried, she would tighten the grip on my arms or trap my legs more closely between hers. My need to touch her quickly abated as my body started responding to her. I knew she could hear my breathing becoming more shallow, but she wasn’t going to stop.
“Liv,” I said, the urgency in my voice getting her attention.
“You ok up there Elliot?”
“God, Liv,.”
“That a yes?”
Every time she spoke I could feel her hot moist breath against my skin, but this was not the way I had wanted this to proceed.
“Liv, baby, I need a break.”
“You sure? I’m not through.”
She finally loosened the grip a bit and I was able to grab her shoulders and pull her up. She looked so unbelievably hot that I lost the momentary breath I had managed to take. I moved over laying her next to me. There was a slight sheen of sweat on her body, she was glistening in the sunlight that was coming through the window. I couldn’t stop looking at her. Her desire so evident on her face, her flushed skin.
She laughed as I continued watching her.
"What's so funny?" I asked.
"Just thinking. We're making love on a weekday afternoon. That ever happen before?"
"Nope, I don't think so. I like it though."
I could breathe again and I surprised her by assuming the same position over her body that she had been in over mine. I mimicked her ministrations moving my lips down her body, lightly circling her breasts. She sighed as I moved my hand between us feeling the soft moistness of her flesh. I continued to use my hands and mouth on her body and I could feel her beginning to lose all control. She was softly whispering my name over and over as she shuddered in release. I loosened my grip on her but I didn’t think she noticed. I slowed a bit wanting her to catch her breath.
“Don’t stop, Elliot.”
“You ok?”
“Just… don’t …stop. “
She must have realized at that point that I had left her some room to move. She thrust her hips hard against me and that one movement was all it took. I was amazed at the way we came together, our bodies as one, anticipating each others every move. I knew we were close and I reached up and took her face between my hands.
"Look at me, Olivia, don't look away."
I wanted to see her face, to know that in that one moment of surrender to each other, I had taken away her pain...her fear.

Ribbing

2007-03-02T06:39:00.000-05:00

"Hey Elliot." Munch yelled over to me. "How's Liv doing?"
"She's standing at the coffee pot, ask her."
"I figured you guys being so close and all, it didn't matter which one of you I asked."
Liv returned with my coffee and gave me a "play along with them" look. "I'm fine John, thanks for asking."
Now I guess it was Fin's turn. "Liv, if you're serving coffee, could you get me a cup?"
She was really being more good natured about this than I was.
"Sure, Fin, what do you take in it?"
"Funny," he said looking at Munch. "I don't think she even had to ask Elliot what he takes in his coffee."
Munch shook his head in agreement. "They're close, she knows."
She motioned me not to say anything, and went to fill their cups.
"Elliot." Munch said, I guess it was his turn. "Do you guys talk at home?"
"Yeah, we talk."
"Verbally, with words?"
"Yeah, Munch we open our mouths and words come out."
"Being so close, I figured you just used mental telepathy."
I made a move to get up and heard the Captain coming out of his office. He gave me and Liv that special glare he's perfected over the last few weeks.
"Everyone seems to be having a good time."
Fin snickered.
"Something funny, Det. Tutuola?"
"No Captain."
"Because if something is funny, I want to hear about it too."
"Sure Captain, no problem."
"Benson, Stabler, I need those reports before lunch."
"You'll have them," we said at the same time.
Oh God, I thought, now we're talking in unison. Fin shook his head at me knowingly.
"If anyone needs more paperwork, come see me," Cragen said, walking back to his office.
"Shut up, Fin," I said before he could get a word out.
It was blissfully quiet for all of a minute.
"Liv?"
"Yes, John."
"Does it hurt to be joined at the hip?"
Liv looked at me and I could see she was actually blushing. Oh, man, I could see where this might go. I got up and walked over to them.
"That's enough, ok?"
Fin's phone rang.
"Liv? Yeah, hold on. Liv it's the deli. They want to know what Elliot wants for lunch."

Hello? Hello? Hello?

2007-03-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

I figured since I have a bit of a history with Hendrix, I would call to see if she could give me a heads up on our Psych evaluatiuons. Didn't hold out much hope she would, but I would turn on the charm and see what happened. Didn't hold out ANY hope after listening to her answering machine message...

Hello. This is Dr. Hendrix, I am not available at this time. Your call if very important to me. To expedite your call, please listen carefully to the following:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

*Note: Don't know who belongs to this, so can't attribute.

The Bonds of Love...

2007-02-28T08:39:00.000-05:00

I think we always knew that our closeness would someday affect our professional relationship. We have tried so hard to not let it, but our feelings for each other are so deep, so intense, it’s impossible. There is no psych review that can shed light on how it affects us. There is no threat from superiors that can change the fact that we love each other.

The play of emotions I have seen Liv go through the last few weeks has been agonizing for me. First she wouldn’t let me in, then when I followed her to find out what she was really going on, I was shocked by the mind/heart conflict I was feeling. Seeing her sitting next to me completely overwhelmed by her emotions was confusing for me. I’m too used to black and white, this was all gray. I have seen Liv suffer for others, seen her tears of frustration, watched her all-encompassing compassion with admiration and awe. Now here she was so close to losing it over a personal crisis. I knew I had to do whatever I could to help her, regardless of the consequences. I don’t want her to hurt, I want to take the hurt away.

I knew with certainty that she wants to be part of her brother’s life. I knew by the look on her face when he said he could never lie to his big sister. I see her watching Eli now. I know what she is thinking. If everything her brother is telling her is a lie, will the cycle of violence end with him? Will is spill over into our lives? For now, all I can do is love her. So many times we have just shut out the world. This time we can’t, this is intruding on our world in too many ways for us to leave it outside.

I put Eli in bed with us last night. His calm, serene face was a balm for me. Liv slept better with him there. I stayed awake. I watched them. For now the storm had abated, the pain no longer evident on her beautiful face as she held Eli close to her. It’s only when I know she can’t see me, it’s only at times like these that I can let go, when just for a moment I don’t have to be strong...watching them through the haze of my tears.

Anyone Remember?

2007-02-26T07:16:00.000-05:00

WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON HERE?

The Gathering Storm

2007-02-23T14:25:00.000-05:00

It’s like when the barometric pressure drops and you know a storm is on the way.
That dull throbbing in your head. Sometimes you can almost feel the electricity in the air and you just know the clouds are going to start gathering and the downpour will begin. You welcome the rain, you know that after the storm the pain will be gone.

Liv and I are at the accumulating clouds phase, the storm is just over the horizon. Communication is strained again. I know what it is like to not be able to talk about something. Lately I have been finding that the less I talk, the more trouble I seem to cause. After all these years of putting up with the simmering emotions I hold inside, it is hard for me to tell Liv she needs to open up. I can only hope that the healing rains come soon for both of us.

Family

2007-02-22T06:26:00.000-05:00

I have never been without a family. I can’t imagine what Olivia is feeling right now, having found out that she has a brother after all these years. I am not happy about the way she went about finding out and I have discussed this rather emphatically with Warner who performed the kinship analysis. I'm not happy that they found a match, the only matches in the system are people with a record. I have asked Liv to think everything through before she does anything. Her decisions now need to be based on more than just emotion. She has a lot of things to consider. She has a family with me and Eli, she has an extended family with all of the kids. I love her, I will do everything I can to support her. But to be honest, if I see this changing OUR family, I’m just not sure how I will feel. I know this is hard for her. She came home late last night and was vague as to where she had been.

Later I watched her as she slept. She was restless. Maybe I have taken things for granted, not that anything has been easy for us. The little things though I have never taken for granted: the herbal smell of her hair, the way she unconsiously brushes against me as she walks past, the smile that is mine...that tells me she understands. I'm scared of what this could do to us. I can't lose her now.

Comic Book Dreams

2007-02-19T13:20:00.000-05:00

I’m sitting here wondering:

If Fin will ever stop smirking;
If Fin has a hidden camera in my bathroom;
If Liv will kick Fin’s ass before I do;
How she can look so damned sexy in a t-shirt and pants;
How sexy she’s going to look when she finally kicks Fin’s ass;

I’m starting to visualize comic book pictures and dialogue balloons…Liv in a superhero outfit with lots of spandex…

Some Sanity Please

2007-02-18T08:28:00.000-05:00

We were in bed this morning. It had snowed, but it was nice and warm here and I felt more relaxed than I had felt in a long time.
“Liv, you think we could have a sane day today?”
“Don’t know, the last two weeks have been anything but. We've even been acting insane.”
I took her hand. "I just want a nice quiet day, the three of us enjoying being together.”
She smiled, “You mean I can’t gaze on you with lust in my eyes. “
I guess I looked confused.
“I don’t know why, but ever since the other morning, I seem to be enthralled with your body, Elliot.”
“Lustful gazing? I hadn’t noticed.”
“Like you don’t notice the looks you get?”
“Guess I don’t. Wait, except for Dana in Evidence.
“Dana?” she asked, sitting up.
“Yeah, the tall redhead. Always has a new fantasy about me.”
“Isn’t that sexual harassment.”
“It’s only harassment if it bothers me.”
She looked genuinely concerned.
“Don’t worry baby, he’s not my type.”
“I’m going to kill you,” she said reaching over and putting her hands around my neck.
Before she could finish murdering the love of her life and the father of her son, we heard him through the monitor.
"Eli just saved you," she said getting up.
"Wait Liv," I said motioning her to sit down.
I picked up the monitor and said "Eli, it's dada."
He was quiet for a few seconds and Liv moved to go get him.
"Wait, Liv."
We heard him just like I knew we would.
"DADADADA"
She looked at me incredulously.
"How did you know he would do that?"
"He's been babbling a lot, trying to communicate. Repetition and voice recognition usually follow pretty quickly."
"You amaze me Elliot."
"I've had a lot of experience."
"Still..."
I handed her the monitor.
"Here, you try."
She spoke into it just like I had.
"Eli, it's mama."
This time he was quicker.
"MAMAMAMA"
The look of pride on her face was priceless and I didn't stop her going to him. Raising a kid with her was going to be an awesome experience. Every first of Eli's would be a first for her. I would have to remember that. Yep, this day was starting off pretty well I thought as I slid back underneath the covers.

Desire-Pure and Not So Simple

2007-02-16T07:52:00.000-05:00

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST CONTAINS ADULT MATERIAL. BY CONTINUING TO READ THIS PAGE, I DECLARE THAT I AM 18 YEARS OF AGE OR OLDER, I AM NOT A MEMBER OF ANY GROUP THAT PROMOTES CENSORSHIP, NOR AM I OFFENDED BY EROTIC LITERATURE. I AGREE THAT I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY MINOR, AS SO DEFINED IN MY JURISDICTION, TO VIEW THE CONTENTS OF THIS PAGE. THE AUTHOR WILL NOT BE HELD LIABLE FOR ANY VIOLATIONS OF THIS DISCLAIMER BARRIER.

The steam made it still seem warm as I stepped out of the shower. I knew I'd be freezing in a minute and grabbed a towel wrapping it around my waist just as Liv walked in.
"Sorry, I thought you were done."
My eyes gazed down her body and when I looked at her face I saw she was blushing.
"Elliot, you're looking at me like you've never seen me naked before."
I touched her shoulders. "And you're blushing like I've never looked at you before."
I put my hand behind her neck and pulled her lips to mine.
"We're going to be late, Elliot."
"Liv, it's 14 degrees out, everyone is going to be late. How many rapists you think are on the street in this weather?"
I looked at her again and I could see her tremble slightly. I wrapped my arms around her and she laid her head on my shoulder.
"You're trembling, you cold baby?"
"Not quite sure why I'm trembling."
I looked in her eyes and down to her lips again. I pushed her back against the tile and it must have chilled her as she gasped against my neck.
I wrapped my arms around her losing the towel in the process and this time she gasped as our skin came into contact.
“What just happened here?”she asked, our bodies sliding together .
“Not sure,” I said, attacking her neck with my mouth. “Think I like it though.”
“Elliot, do you realize we’re about to make love in the bathroom?”
I pulled back, this was a little unorthodox behavior for us, I wasn’t going to do anything she didn’t want to do.
“You want me to stop?”
This time her eyes took in my body. When she looked at my face again, I could see the conflict there. I kissed her gently.
“We don’t have to do anything Liv,” I said turning to leave.
“Elliot.” I turned to look at her and this time there was no conflict only desire on her face.
She put her arms around my waist, pulling me to her.
“What, Liv?”
She whispered as though she were embarrassed at what she was saying. “I just don’t know why I am finding this so exciting.”
I reached down between us touching her. “You are excited,” I whispered hoarsely against her neck. I ran my hands down her back pulling our bodies closer together.
“Elliot can you hear the baby if he cries?”
“What baby?”
“Elliot, seriously.”
“I would be able to hear him if someone were a little quieter.”
She smiled, “I can’t make any guarantees as to how quiet I’m going to be.”
“Don’t worry, I can hear him,” I said bringing my lips down to hers again.
The desire built between us and as our bodies came together I was as confused as she was to the feeling of pure physical need we had just experienced.
“Liv, you ok?” I asked still holding her.
“Just don’t let me go for a minute, ok?”
“I got you baby.”
When she was finally able to stand on her own, she threw the towel at me.
“Go ahead and get ready for work, Elliot, I’ll get Eli ready and come in later.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah, no sense both of us being late.”
When I got to work everyone was concerned that Liv wasn’t with me.
“She’s ok,” I assured them. “We’re just running a little late this morning.”
Fin was staring at me. I hate when he does that. I didn’t want to meet his eyes, somehow he knows things.
“What?” I said, finally acknowledging him.
“Nothin’,” he said looking away, laughing.

The Best Part

2007-02-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

The look of love and trust on her face as she slept in my arms still overwhelms me. I held her, remembering the passionate intimacy we shared. The way she surrendered to me with no reservations, no fear. We both know the risks of this kind of physical closeness and we are willing to take that risk with each other. I remember coming home from dinner last night, both of us standing next to Eli’s crib, amazed as we watched the living embodiment of our love sleeping peacefully. As I hold her I think of all the times she has taken on the storms of my life, lifting me from despair with just a touch, believing in me when I’m ready to give up. We don’t need a special day to show each other how much we care. The best part? Even with all my imperfections, she loves me…everyday.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

2007-02-14T08:31:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone enjoys it as much as we are, did, will...whatever.

Valentine in a Snap

2007-02-11T10:54:00.000-05:00

“What do you mean you don’t know how to get them off?”
Liv was next to me in bed looking very absurd in those stupid pajamas I bought her.
“Liv, this is starting to not be funny.”
“You thought it was hilarious when you bought them for me.”
I just looked at her.
“What happened to your sense of humor, Elliot?”
I just looked at her…again.
“Just a hint Liv: buttons, snaps or zipper?”
“No hints,” she said snuggling against me.
“Stop that, I need you to be still so I can see what I’m doing.”
She laughed, wrapping her leg around me.
“God, Liv, stop. You’re making me nuts.”
She finally laid back next to me and I pulled the covers off us.
“It’s cold,” she said in her best fake whine.
“As soon as I get you out of this contraption, I’ll cover us again.”
I thought that would at least get her to help me, but no, she just laughed.
“Nice try, but you know these are nice, warm pj’s and since you’re not having much luck removing them, I’ll be ok for a while.”
I finally realized that they were snapped around her waist, not vertically like you would think.
“This is the stupidest thing I have ever seen,” I said finally getting them unsnapped.
“Think about it Elliot, there is a reason they are designed like this. They didn’t do it just to aggravate you.”
I was confused again.
"Eli has pj's like this doesn't he?"
"Yeah, you don't have any trouble getting him out of his."
"That's because the sooner I get him out of his, the better he is going to smell."
"Well, I'm glad that wasn't your motivation here," she said laughing.
I really didn't want to talk about what was motivating me at this moment.
“So now I have to pull the top over your head?” I asked, hoping she would finally help me.
She laughed at me again.
“Well, I guess you could just pull it up and leave it wrapped around my neck. “
I stared at her thoughtfully for a minute and I think it worried her. She lifted it herself, taking it off and throwing it on the chair. She pushed me away from her and wiggled out of the pants, getting rid of them too.
I just looked at her…again.
“Why didn’t you do that an hour ago?” I said unable to take my eyes off her.
“Covers, Elliot.”
I covered us up and took her in my arms.
"You are something else, Liv."
"Just trying to keep it interesting."
"Keeping it interesting is the one thing we've never had a problem with, Benson."
"You going to talk all night, Stabler?"
"You telling me to shut up?"
She brought her lips down hard on mine. I guess I had my answer.

Anti-Valentines Day?

2007-02-09T10:10:00.000-05:00

I am hearing much mumbling from people who don't want to celebrate Valentines Day.

Just so you know you are not alone, Care2.com actually has e-cards for Anti-Valentines Day. If that isn't anti enough, senddeadfish.com will do just that for the object of your anti-affection.

Personally, I'm glad I'm in love. With all the time Liv and I have taken off this week, we know next week we will be putting in lots of overtime. We'll do our celebrating Saturday instead of Wednesday. We'll keep all of you in mind...yeah right!!!!

Watching

2007-02-07T22:20:00.000-05:00

I watched Eli a lot today.

He was a little confused this morning. His body clock has adapted to getting up early and he was ready to go. Liv and I weren't going anywhere. We are both physically and mentally worn out. We need some time to heal, a few days away from work. Once Eli realized no one was going anywhere, he settled down.

I am amazed at the way he is developing. Physically, he is getting stronger, finding ways to move his body across the floor, sometimes scooting around on his butt, sometimes almost crawling. He is more aware now, starting to learn what behaviors get what reaction from me and Liv. He is learning without even realizing it, the subtle art of manipulating his parents. He instictively knows when to use that smile of his to make us melt.

As I watched him, I realized once again, that the world is not always a friendly place to children. Their development can become stunted by greed and ignorance and apathy. We try to do everything we can for them. Our decisions are not always right, based on circumstances that change from day to day. We can only do our best.

The difference for me and Liv...we try to do it for every child, for every child who becomes a victim. I know she is wondering what more she could have done on this last case. She risked her life, her job and somehow it still isn't enough. It ended with a compromise that will enable a little boy to get the medical care he needs in his battle with cancer. What kind of win is it when it ends with a battle beginning?

My bruises and cuts will heal. Liv's injuries are more of a mystery. We don't really know what effect the chemical she was exposed to could have. Hopefully that exposure wasn't enough to cause any long term damage. This bond we share is strong enough to help each other heal, we'll get through it.

I watched Liv a lot today, too.

!@#$% SMACKDOWN!

2007-02-06T22:54:00.000-05:00

It's Official...
Det. Stabler can't fly.
Det. Stabler doesn't bounce.
I'll be spending some quality time at home with Eli the next few days, while I hobble back to health.

A Caro Moment

2007-02-04T09:55:00.001-05:00

The wind was blowing through her hair as she stood by the graveside. The cloudy sky and dreary day lent an air of the gothic to the whole scene and I hesitated to approach her. Last night, I watched as they brought a young accident victim into the emergency room and I thought about JP. I've been worried about Carolyn. She visited family this week, but she's spending a lot of time alone, sometimes not even answering her phone when I call. I hadn't visited JP's grave since the funeral and as I found myself driving past here, I decided to stop. I never expected to find her here, not this early in the morning. I was not going to intrude, she needed to vent her grief. I stayed and watched her. The wind continued to pick up and it was getting colder. I could see her pull her coat tighter around her. I wanted to go to her then, but she started walking back to her car. The slump of her shoulders, her body, it all showed the despair she must have been feeling. Losing someone is hard enough, losing someone so senselessly is more difficult. I've worked with enough families to know how hard it is to reconcile one's self to that kind of loss. I knew in this moment, she didn't need me, she needed to be alone with her thoughts and with the memories that can only be hers.

THEY MADE ME SWITCH....

2007-02-01T14:12:00.000-05:00

If you experience any difficulties with my Blog, blame BLOGGER. They made me switch to the New Blogger. They gave me one more chance to override and then would not let me log on with my old account. It better happen to the rest of you or I'm going to take it personally.

Eli...

2007-01-31T12:55:00.000-05:00

Amid all the pain and laughter, all the confusion and comfort, he's given us six months of complete joy.

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that.
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat.
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed.
I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold,
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed.*

Elton John

Is This True?

2007-01-30T13:36:00.000-05:00

Woman's Day did a survery asking women what they wanted most for a Valentine's Day gift. I was surprised at the results and wonder if it holds here. 56% of women who responded said they wanted a love letter.

Now as far as I am concerned, Liv can have ALL my mail if it means I don't have to spend any money.

Liv's Sexy Valentine Gift

2007-01-25T14:51:00.000-05:00

I was looking for the sexiest lingerie I could find. Think she'll like it?

I can't wait to see her in this. I might have to give it to her early!!

One Breath

2007-01-24T12:26:00.000-05:00

I survive on the breath you are finished with..."*

I lifted her hair from her neck and kissed her lightly. Even with her back to me, I could tell from the way she was breathing that she was still awake. Her body tensed a little and I felt afraid she would pull away, then so relieved when I felt her relax. I continued, moving my lips to that pulse point where she is so sensitive. I felt her react instinctively moving back against me. I wanted to touch her, just feel that connection that lately had not been there. I put one arm under her pulling her to me and began stroking her arm with my free hand. She shifted again and I knew she wanted this contact as much as I did. I traced along her side from the swell of her breast to the soft curve of her hip, as she whispered my name softly.

I took the blankets off , wanting to see her, the slight chill we felt made her turn to face me as we wrapped our arms around each other savoring the warmth there. I traced my fingers along her back, agonizingly slow. She arched her body against me and using a soft, light touch did the same to me. With only this touch we could feel the need building between us. She looked at me and I could see my desire reflected in her eyes. Still watching her face, I reached between us touching her. She spoke my name softly again, closing her eyes as I brought my lips to hers, making her open her mouth to me, whispering her name, breathing in the very essence of her.

*John Mayer

Soy What?

2007-01-23T19:25:00.000-05:00

The house was dark and quiet when I arrived home last night. A call came in, sounded pretty routine. We didn’t want to have to bundle Eli and leave him with Maureen, so I went in alone. Another one of the changes in our lives, our work doesn’t just affect us, we have to think about the baby too. I stopped at Dani’s on the way home to apologize for being so smug with her the other day, so it was late when I finally got back.

I checked on Eli, he was sleeping. Liv was awake though and standing by the window. She must have heard me come in, but I made sure she heard me behind her when I walked over to her. I put my hands on her shoulders.
“What’s so interesting out there, Liv?”
“Can’t really see much of anything. Just wanted to wait up until you got home.”
I reached my arms around and hugged her.
“Thanks, baby, but you didn’t need to do that. It’ll be morning soon and we’ll both be up again.”
“I guess I couldn’t sleep,” she finally admitted.
“You need a cup of tea and a soy cookie?’ I asked, teasing her.
She turned to me and smiled.
“As a matter of fact, a cup of tea and a soy cookie sounds pretty good.”
I hugged her, loving the way she changed from contemplative to playful.
“They don’t make such a thing…do they?”
“Yes, they do and I have Cranberry Oatmeal ones in the pantry.”
“Oh joy,” I said, under my breath.
“I heard that,” she said with a stern look that I really liked, especially when it was combined with her playful smile.
“Liv, let’s forget the tea and cookie party.”
She walked over to me, reached up and pulled my lips down to hers. I took her in my arms and kissed her deeply.
“You’re willing to miss out on that cookie?” she asked backing away from me.
I pulled her to me again.
“I’m willing to make the sacrifice, Liv,”
I made a mental note to sacrifice them to the trash can first thing in the morning.

Dreamscape

2007-01-22T10:51:00.000-05:00

I should have known it was a dream. Even with just the light of the stars, her skin was too translucent. She looked like as though she were lit from within as she walked toward me. Her long dark hair accentuated her paleness as in fell in curls around her shoulders. The stars went out above her as she passed below them, the growing darkness making it difficult to see.
“Carolyn?”
Her long diaphanous dress seemed to shimmer and flow as if blown by a breeze that wasn’t there. I could see her hand reaching for me and I took it. I took it in mine pulling her to me.
“Elliot, I’m sorry,” she said laying her head on my shoulder.
“Whatever it is Carolyn, it’s all right. “ I said lightly stroking her hair.
I caught the scent of leaves and herbs, all the smells of the woodland that surrounded us.
“I don’t know if I can tell you,” she said looking up at me.
Her misty eyes were filled with a look of regret as I gently squeezed her hand to reassure her.
“It’s ok, Carolyn, tell me. Whatever it is I’ll take care of it.”
My only thought at this moment was to take away whatever was so troubling to her. She put her head on my shoulder again, her gentle whisper in my ear eliciting feelings in me that I knew I shouldn’t be feeling.
“You will never forgive me,” she said.
“I will,” I answered pulling her tighter to me.
“Gone,” she said softly.
“Gone?” I asked touching her cheek.
“They’re all gone, Elliot, there are no more Ding-Dongs.”

Take My Darkest Fears...

2007-01-19T08:00:00.000-05:00

I believe that dreams are sacred.
Take my darkest fears and play them
Like a lullaby,
Like a reason why,
Like a play of my obsessions,
Make me understand the lesson,
So I'll find myself,
So I won't be lost again.

*Lyrics:Evanescence
Photo:BK Bin

Interim

2007-01-18T07:30:00.000-05:00

“I wish you had gone undercover with the Mafia,” I said looking at Liv across the table.
She laughed, “Why? I thought you wanted me back.”
“I’d be eating better,” I said looking at the unidentifiable organic material in my dish.
“It’s good for you, Elliot, eat."
I stopped her hand before it reached her mouth, some kind of sprout fell off her fork.
“Elliot, please.”
“We’re going out. I want Italian.”
“But I cooked all this food.”
“It’ll bio-degrade before we get home,” I said nearly pulling her from the chair.
We bundled Eli and headed out to the little Italian place around the corner. It was cold, but the walk did us good.

It was warm inside and the owners knew to put us in the back so that Eli could watch everyone that came in.
“I don’t know what to order,” Liv said studying the menu.
I pulled it out of her hands as the waitress came over.
“Olivia is having vegetable lasagna, salad, water with a twist of lemon. I’ll have lasagna with extra meat, antipasto, a carafe of coffee and 3 orders of Tiramasu.” I told her with a wink.
“Make that two, I don’t want any,” Olivia chimed in.
“Make it three, “ I said.
The waitress winked back at me.
“Who is going to eat all that desert?” Liv asked, chiding me.
“Eli likes it, he can make a mess while he watches the door.”
She laughed, “That still leaves 2 orders.”
I just smiled.

I watched her as she ate, the play of candlelight on her face, reflecting in her beautiful eyes.
She looked relaxed for the first time in weeks. No matter where our jobs take us, no matter how all-encompassing that role is in her life, I know…I know just from the way she glances from Eli to me, that she loves us. I waited until she put her fork down this time and placed my hand over hers entwining her fingers in mine.

Need

2007-01-17T09:43:00.000-05:00

Last night, I watched Olivia sleep. I knew that no matter how softly I might speak her name, she would hear me. Our physical distance at that moment was inches, our emotional distance was miles. She waiting and it’s agonizing. Waiting for me to find the healing or the strength or whatever it is I need to move on. I looked at her, thinking about all the ways she has changed. If possible she’s become more compassionate, more caring but with an edge. Her time away from me, working undercover, everything she went through has taken her independence and confidence to a higher level. We want to work this out, we said as much. Looking at her though, I realized that she really doesn’t need me…not as much as I need her.

Piercing Cold

2007-01-16T08:08:00.000-05:00

I was suddenly cold. The weather changed last night. Liv was sleeping soundly. I could hear Eli breathing softly through the monitor. I got up and looked out the window. The moon was a sliver, it looked like a piece of ice ready to pierce the heart of the sky. That overwhelming feeling of loss that comes and goes surrounded me once more. It’s a strange loneliness that cannot even be appeased by knowing that comfort is just a touch away.

Doing The Mundane Things

2007-01-15T14:37:00.000-05:00

It was a good thing Carolyn didn’t have any coffee. After my initial surprise at her having dressed like my bizarre dream, I had suggested that we stay in instead of heading to the coffee shop mostly because I didn’t want to share her with anyone else. Sounds kind of weird, I know, but I just wanted to be with someone and not have to be “on”. I wanted to be with someone who in some way could understand what I was feeling, and after everything she has gone through these last few weeks, I knew she would. But if we had stayed there I can’t honestly say what might have happened. I know we would have talked, I probably would have been more open about everything. It would have been depressing for both of us. When she admitted that she didn’t have any coffee, which is something I really cannot comprehend, I agreed to go to the grocery store with her. I decided that if I was going to do this I would pay her back for her little wardrobe dig and make it a shopping trip from Hell.

I picked up everything in the store, annoyed the employees, flirted with the LEGGS deliver lady, embarassed her and almost got us thrown out. I tried to convince her to buy things I knew she would never buy and then put them in her cart when she wasn’t looking. She only agreed to buy the ice cream I wanted when I reminded her what she did to the carton I brought to her party. No, we don’t want to relive that little episode.

When we arrived home she wouldn’t let me help her put the groceries away. She sat me down with a bowl of ice cream and I had to laugh thinking about all the times I did the same thing to quiet my kids. As she walked around the kitchen I wondered what she was feeling. She had to be missing JP. How do you fill the void that losing people leaves with you? Keep doing the things that need to be done, I guess. Things like grocery shopping, organizing your kitchen. It doesn’t really heal, but it keeps you busy and eventually time will heal. I know it will probably be a long time before Caro trusts anyone and wants to be with anyone again. That’s ok, she knows we’re here for each other. And the next time I come over, I know there will be Ding Dongs and Havarti cheese, because I put them in the cart.

In Need Of Dream Interpretation....

2007-01-14T17:47:00.000-05:00

All I can remember is Carolyn in a camoflauge jacket, the game board from "Clue", sliced Havarti cheese, chattering teeth, and the voice of Loogie from South Park.

Hold Me When We Say Goodbye

2007-01-12T07:03:00.000-05:00

I love Olivia. She is my best friend, the all-encompassing passion in my life. We’re so close now, that’s it’s becoming more and more difficult to work together. We can’t be an effective team on the job if we can’t disagree, see different sides of the issues. It seems now when we do disagree it becomes a personal attack. I can ignore it while we are at work, I'm actually doing well at not reacting to it, but when we are together, I remember how much each comment hurt.

I really do feel a sense of loss that is almost like grief, it probably is in a sense. I need to deal with this and with all the changes the two of us have gone through. I think we need some personal space, some time alone so that everything doesn’t fall apart. I can't be afraid that any conflict we have at work will result in her leaving me again. We need to work on getting that easy partnership back and everything that has happened is getting in the way, along with everything I fear will happen. I don’t want either of us to make a mistake because of our love for each other, and I don't want to lose her. I want her holding me when we say goodbye, not pushing me away.

The Pain of Moving On

2007-01-10T08:58:00.000-05:00

I signed the divorce papers, delivered them to Kathy. Hopefully this will give everyone closure and we can all get on with our lives. I want to spend more time with the kids, help them through this. I know they are in pain, so am I.
I expected that but somehow this is just not a pain I understand. I feel numb, scared, vulnerable. Even when Liv holds me in her arms, I feel alone.

Stalled

2007-01-07T08:00:00.000-05:00

I haven't hear from Maureen or Kathy about the broken engagement. I think that is a little strange. I thought I would at least hear from Kathy so she could make me feel even worse about everything. I am more concerned though that Maureen hasn't talked to me. I don't think she has been in touch with Liv, at least she hasn't said anything. Sometimes she doesn't let me know when the kids talk to her. I'm worried about Maureen, she shouldn't be feeling responsible for the kids, that's my job and Kathy's job.

Kathleen has crossed the line and there is nothing that Maureen can do to fix that. I'm not sure what to do. Kathleeen has become disrespectful, snide...all the things she was taught not to be. I am not happy about the people she has been hanging out with, and not happy about the bad decisions she has made. It's not like the separation has put her out on the street. Both her parents love her, she obviously has the support of her sister. She is going to force me to act and that is never a good thing.

I miss Maureen and Julian coming over and how excitied they were making wedding plans. I feel like everything is in "stall" mode. I wanted their life together to work out for them. Realtionships are hard, but they seemed to have been in love for all the right reasons. I think they still love each other, but everything that is happening now is going to put a strain on them.

Marriage-mine fell apart and because of that Maureen and Julian's never began. I don't see wedding plans in the near future for anyone.

Another Disappointment

2007-01-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

Julian called and asked me to meet him for lunch. He asked that I come alone. I was concerned, he sounded very upset. He was waiting for me when I arrived and I could see the disappointment in his face.
“Julian, what’s wrong?” I didn’t even wait until we went inside. I put my arm around his shoulder and led him aside to talk.
“Maureen wants to call off the wedding.”
“Let’s go inside and sit down,” I said steering him in that direction.
We sat down and he was looking even more devastated.
“What happened Julian?”
“I’m not sure, she’s worried about Kathleen and the twins and she wants to spend more time at home with them. She said she can’t leave them right now.”
“So she isn’t breaking up with you, just canceling the wedding?”
“She says she still loves me.”
He sounded doubtful.
“Julian, if she said she loves you, she does. She isn’t going to lie to you.”
“I know, I just don’t understand.”
Well gee, Julian, let me explain how her father has screwed up and you, yes even you, have to pay the price.
“I’m sorry, Julian, a lot of this is my fault. Things are rough for the kids right now. Kathleen is so angry at me, the twins want me and Kathy to get back together. Maureen probably feels like the peacekeeper there.”
“You really think that’s it?” he asked for the first time looking a little more hopeful.
“I need to make some decisions soon, end all this confusion for everyone. Give her a little time, and trust her. She is always going to be honest with you.”
He was near to tears.
“I told her I would find a way for her to be with them, even if they have to live with us….”
“Stop,” I said putting my hand on his shoulder.
“Do you really think I want my daughter to start her life with you dealing with my mistakes?”
He shook his head.
“I’m really sorry Julian, I wish I could fix this. There is just so much involved here. “
I saw a fleeting hint of anger on his face. Great, I needed him mad at me too.
“I’m not giving her up, Mr. Stabler.”
“Good, I don’t want you to, and I promise I will do everything I can to help.”
He finished his lunch and didn’t say much more. I feel so bad for him and so responsible for the pain he is feeling. Outside I told him to call me if he needed anything. He walked to the car with me and shook my hand saying that he would. I hated leaving him, he looked so crushed. He turned to walk away and then came back. He hugged me and said, “Let me know if there is anything I can do to help you too. OK?”
“Just be patient with us Julian. Take care of Maureen, she needs you more now than ever.”

Striving to Heal

2007-01-03T18:49:00.000-05:00

The last few days have really been difficult. JP's death and it's aftermath, my concern for Carolyn. Liv had a rough time at work dealing with a dying man who wanted to clear his conscience and reconcile himself with his estranged daughter. He became very attached to Liv and she stayed at his beside. It was very exhausting for her, very emotional. I did everything I could to help his family heal even as my own family is growing apart from me.

At one point Liv asked me why the case was getting to me and it was. I'm afraid. I am seeing my kids slowly slipping away. The twins are doing everything they can think of in their own minds, to bring the family back together. The energy they are expending is almost heartbreaking in its futility. Kathleen is so full of disdain for me, she can hardly talk to me. I need to bring some closure to this separation but I don't want my kids to hate me. I want them to always be a part of my life. I'm beginning to wonder what the future holds for all of us.

Closure

2007-01-03T06:42:00.000-05:00

Today is JP's funeral. Liv will be covering for me at work while I take the time to be there for Caro. Dani called and asked if she could come with me. I'm glad Dani wants to be there, she could be a big help to Caro in dealing with this. Carolyn seems to be doing all right but it's hard to tell sometimes with her. She doesn't like to be too emotional around others, even me. When I talked to her last night, her concerns were for JP's family. That's a good sign. After today, she can take what memories she will and heal.

Re-Assurance

2007-01-02T10:36:00.000-05:00

I think Carolyn is going to be all right. I spent New Years Eve at the hospital with her and then took her home. She really just needed to sleep. I needed to get home, sleep, and at least spend some time with Liv and Eli. The house was quiet when I arrived, I knew they would both be asleep this early in the morning. I had called Liv to tell her JP had been in an accident and that he hadn’t made it. I could tell she felt bad, she had been so happy to see that Carolyn had finally found someone that she really cared about and who cared about her.

“How is she, Elliot?” Liv asked as I got into bed.
I was surprised she was still awake, but I probably shouldn’t have been, I knew she’d be worried.
“She needs some time, but I think she’ll be ok.”
I reached over and took her in my arms.
“It really makes you realize how quickly things can change, how you can lose someone in an instant,” I said kissing her gently.
She put her arms around me and we held each other. She knew I just needed her next to me, just to re-assure myself. Everything else could wait.

Tragedy

2007-01-01T07:15:00.000-05:00

On a night when I thought I would be celebrating the beginning of a new year with the two most important people in my life, I was instead sitting in a hospital emergency room while JP fought for his life. Carolyn had called me. She had been waiting for him to pick her up to go to his parents when she received word that he had been badly injured in an accident. When I arrived she was obviouly in shock, vacillating between periods of quiet and uncontrollable crying. There was nothing I could do to comfort her except be there. She would not let go of my hand, when someone came out to talk to her and JP's family, she would cling tighter to me. All the times she has seen death, all the times she has comforted people and now she was facing a tragedy so personal that she was consumed by her grief.

These last few months she had really been happy. Although they had their problems, I think they had found a kindred spirit in each other. I had never seen her so happy to be with anyone. It was a happiness that had always evaded her. I had come to like JP. I realized that I could trust him not to hurt her, not intentionally hurt her.

I went back a few times to try to pry some information about his status, but all anyone would do was shake their head. Word finally came that he had not survived the emergency surgery and I could feel her numbness. I sat her down and held her as she cried on my shoulder. JP's family was in as bad shape but they had each other. We just sat there until long after everyone else had left. Neither of us knew quite what to do.

Through All The Trials...This Year...

2006-12-31T08:24:00.000-05:00

My Fantasy Became A Reality...

New Year's Plans

2006-12-29T07:06:00.000-05:00

What a year this has been!! Our plans?...to be very boring. Not too many places you can take a 4 month old on New Year's Eve. The kids are all doing their own thing. Liv and I were not sure we even wanted to be out, so we decided to stay home, hopefully spending a nice quiet evening together. I had Christmas weekend off, so I'll be on call. Hopefully the fine citizens will be on their best behavior.

Someone Sent Me A Poll Today...

2006-12-27T13:50:00.000-05:00

Are you a freak, silly person, Hogwart's draftee or some other thing that requires massive doses of therapy?

I didn't bother taking it because we all know what the anwer would be, don't we?

Someone sent me this picture too. I like it much better than the poll.

There Is No Antidote....

2006-12-27T09:25:00.000-05:00

*

...for Logan's "Elf Killer".

*artnet.com

It's All Coming Back To Me...Wow!

2006-12-25T05:50:00.000-05:00

It wasn't just the Glenlivet. Now I remember the Tulamore Dew (where's my crock, Caroyln?) and something Mike made up called "Elf Killer". It tasted much, much better than it looked. No wonder I was dancing Riverdance, if it hadn't been for Caro's RULES, I probably would have been doing the "Dance of the Seven Veils". Which reminds me, how did that mistletoe get in my pants?

Happy holidays everyone, and however you celebrate, celebrate it well and safe.

A Bleary, Bleary Christmas Party

2006-12-24T09:26:00.000-05:00

The lead up to the party was certainly interesting: Caro's outift, where she decided to hang the miseltoe....she was certainly in the spirit of the season or maybe just the spirit of satire, I knew neither of the two would happen. I dropped Eli off with Maureen, Liv was swamped with holiday preperations and opted out, taking advantage of some time alone. When I arrived at Caro's, she was waiting at the door, she scowled, took my grocery store bag and I never saw it again.
"Haven't dressed yet, Caro?" I asked.
"This is what I'm wearing."
"Where's the "Little Miss Santa" outfit you said you were wearing?"
"That's for later."
"Yeah, right." I said under my breath.
Looked like everyone was there before me. JP shook my hand and didn't have too much to say. Dani actually looked like a girl, not sure how she walked in those tight low cut jeans, but she certainly dressed up good. She was mingling and it was nice to see her having a good time.

Didn't pay much attention to the food, except that I noticed there was a lot of it and Caro had left the carrots out of the veggie tray as instructed. I brought my bottle of Glenlivet and Birthday Cake Ice Cream, not sure where the ice cream ended up, but I know where the Glenlivet did. Unfortunately that's about all I remember....until I woke up this morning.

It's been a while since I woke up without Liv beside me and that was traumatic enought until I turned my head. There were blankets and pillows all over the floor, I think I was sandwiched between Munch and Logan. Jumping up I looked around for Caro and heard voices from the kitchen. She and Dani were sitting there drinking coffee like it was a meeting of the Red Hat Society.
"What the hell???"
"Elliot," Carol said, "didn't think you would be up this early. Here have some coffee."
"Don't 'have some coffee' me, what the hell is going on? It looks like a crime scene in there. Bodies on the floor, food on the floor, things I can't identify on the floor...."
I knew I was ranting, but my head hurt bad.
Dani reached for my arm, "Elliot stop being a drama queen."
I looked at her, "Please don't use the word queen, I just woke up between Logan and Munch."
Caro pulled out a chair and handed me a cup of coffee. "Sit."
"Did you at least call Liv and Maureen?"
"Yes," she said. "They said to keep your drunk ass here."
"Maureen has more respect than to say that."
"OK, Maureen didn't say anything about your drunk ass, but Julian was laughing hysterically in the background."
"He'll get his at the bachelor party."
After a cup of coffee I was feeling better. I got up and poured another.
"Dani, I didn't think you drank that much."
"I wasn't drunk," she said. "I stayed to help Carolyn."
"I didn't see JP in there, 'Danny' stayed sober?" I asked looking at Caro.
"JP is in the bedroom, you two needed to sleep separately."
They both started laughing and I held up my hand.
"I don't think I could bear to hear any stories right now, I need to pick up Eli and get home to Liv." I finished my coffee and they stood up walking me to the door.
I hugged Caro.
"Thanks I had ... fun?" I said uncertainly.
"Oh, you most certainly had fun Elliot," Dani said laughing.

Friendship, Loyalty and Love

2006-12-22T06:50:00.000-05:00

“Caro, can I come over?”
“I guess, Elliot, how long til you're here?”
“20 seconds, I just pulled up.”
“Thanks for the lead time there, Elliot.”
“It’s me, I’ve seen you at your worst.”
“Thanks, that makes me feel better.”
Actually she looked great.

“What you do Caro, buy all the holiday sweaters in the city?”
“If you don’t like it, Elliot, it’s too bad.”
“I do like it, I especially like the sparkley cleavage.”
She smacked me but at least she was laughing.
I handed her a small package, “Here this is for you.”
“You didn’t have to do this.”
“It’s something I really want you to have, open it.”
She took out the necklace I had bought and held it up studying the pendant hanging on it.
“It’s beautiful Elliot, but I’m not familiar with the symbol.”
“It’s a Claddagh, the hands symbolize friendship, the heart love and the crown loyalty. ”
She looked up at me and I walked behind her taking the necklace and putting it around her neck. I reached around and hugged her shoulders.
“Don’t ever doubt how much your friendship means to me, Carolyn, and if for some reason you forget, let this remind you.”
“I don’t know what to say, Elliot. Thank you.”
“Merry Christmas, Carolyn,” I said hugging her tightly.